This guide is about you and your parents. This guide will refer to the elder people who brought you into this world and/or raised you in it as "parents", "the folks", "Mom and Dad" or some other familiar term. These terms are used because they are most common to broad stream Americans and because they are terms that I've used.

I began writing this guide many years ago. At the time I didn't know if it would come out as a book or a website. It just started as a "list of things" I needed to know concerning my family, specifically my folks, Mom and Dad.

My background is not in the health industry or the growing senior care business. I am no lawyer nor am I a financial planner. There are no sociology degrees hanging on my wall and I am not an analyst, psychologist, family counselor or guru of any sort.

I am a middle aged, middle class, person who just decided that it would be a good idea to put some helpful information together that might prove to be useful to others like myself. I am no expert. But, when it comes to the nuances, intricacies, foibles, and peculiarities and plain ordinariness of your family there are no experts - there's just you.

In some ways beginning the process toward becoming an eldercare giver is analogous to being a new parent. This is true but misleading. As a parent you will make the decision when its time for your child to take swimming lessons. You are confident in you're reasoning and decision making process.

How do you determine the appropriate time and process to put Mom in an assisted living facility, or tell Dad he shouldn't be driving anymore? You cannot pack them in the car and say "Guess what? You're going to swimming lessons today?"

With the realization that you are now or will be providing some form of care for a family member who has been the parent all these years you are going to have a somewhat familiar role but one that is new and at times, emotionally challenging.

GETTING STARTED

If you have looked at this site for the first time and are just beginning to consider ELDERCARE - looking after the folks - look at this Basic Checklist.

1. How old are Mom and Dad? What are their birthdays?
2. What is Mom's/Dad's general health like?
3. Are they taking any medications? For what?
4. What is their general financial situation?
5. 5. Do you have a way to contact their friends and associates if need be?

Typically the average person has some general ideas to these questions. This is good for two reasons. One it shows that you take some interest in Mom/Dad and that is a good start. Secondly these five questions form the basis of everything you need to begin to know about looking after the folk's affairs. Like a lot of things in life however, the more information you have, the better prepared you'll be.

As discussed throughout this guide the critical element for effectively looking out for the folks is preparedness. Mom/Dad may be in perfect health. You might be busy with your own life, family, career or something else. Things change and planning now can save considerable time, money, hassles and grief later.

There is an additional benefit for the effort put forth now. As you proceed into the world of eldercare you will gain an abundance of information and knowledge that will valuable to yourself and family as you move inevitably into the world of aging.

The details and process of these steps are discussed throughout the guide. It could well be that the folks have undertaken these actions already. Have they prepared a;

1. Durable Power of Attorney
2. Living Will
3. Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care
4. Will and/or Trust
5. Estate Plan
6. Social Security data
7. Health and life insurance data
8. Accurate and appropriate credit history
9. Status of home equity
10. List of debts or money owed to them

You may probably overwhelmed by the amount of information you don't have concerning the folks "affairs". You may be wondering if their business is any of your business! The fact that you are looking at this guide indicates an affirmative answer to some degree. The level of involvement in your folk's affairs, business and otherwise, can be gauged only by circumstances unique to your family.

Consequently your use of this guide will be unique. You are responsible for "working it" to some degree or other. This guide is not intended to be "complete". It cannot be static. Your family's circumstances are going to change over the course of time or it can happen with just one phone call. This is not a test. There is no pass/fail. It is simply what you make it.

This list of things as I thought of it was one of the many processes I realized that I would have to deal with, one day. All through my youth, meaning in my case my twenties and thirties I pretty much avoided dealing with this particular topic that I knew at some point I was going to have to comes to terms with.

I'm certain that many who read this will simply nod their heads and acquiesces. It is the inevitable nature of things living and as hard as it is to take stock in our own mortality we fully realize that in the grand order of human progression first our grandparents and then our parents will pass.

It is natural to feel uncomfortable in discussing the passing of loved ones particularly close family. As such we try not to dwell on the inevitable and tell ourselves that we will deal with the issue "later". This is not denial because we realize that the inevitable will happen. It may be a form of avoidance however it is something that cannot be avoided.

As mature adults we realize there are things that have to be dealt with at some time or another. Some things are uncomfortable. Talking to your teenagers about sex can be uncomfortable. The same can be said about the "golden years" and subsequent passing of your folks.

The issue is really a number of issues concerning your parents and there will come a time when you may have to become involved with the latter stages of their lives. We know this and we must accept it.

This guide is focused primarily on the logistics of "Looking after the affairs of the folks" with some helpful information on actually, physically caring for them if that should become necessary.

This guide was prepared for adult children who are faced with the task of stepping up and assuming some level of responsibility in their parent(s) lives. Your amount of involvement will depend you, your parents, the rest of your family and the interactions (past and present) of the relationships.

Relationship is defined by American Heritage Dictionary as 1. The condition or fact of being related. 2. Connection by blood or marriage; kinship.

And relationship is what your "family" is all about. Good, bad, indifferent, loving or uncaring, sick, poor, wealthy, unknown, kind or mean, close, far or lost in space. It is your family, specifically your Mom and Dad. Providing one or both are still with you, you realize that on some level you will have to deal with family affairs.

There will be some who for their own personal reasons will have nothing to do with some or all of their family. Those persons most likely will not be using this guide. They have dealt with their family issues and choose not to re-visit this area again.

If you become involved with your folk's affairs it will be partially on a business basis i.e., legal and financial matters and entirely a family affair. You will be doing business to some degree with thoughtfulness and genuine concern. Call it parent care, an immediate form of eldercare.

Eldercare is a form of caregiving. Both of these terms are broadly defined in a general sense. Much like the term childcare, eldercare can be expressed in many ways. It may be a simple act of providing a meal once a day, a check-in phone call once a week or it can mean providing assistance with all of their needs on a continuous basis.

Whatever degree of caregiving to the folks is provided or necessary it can become fraught with complications. Unlike the attention and care that is provided with children caring for elders can be extremely difficult.

As a parent or care provider for children we as adults assume the innate responsibility of making choices and decisions we deem are in the best interest of the child for his/her well being. This genetic predisposition of child welfare is likely the single most unique factor that has allowed us as a species to evolve from treetops and caves.

Our role as elder caregivers is more difficult. Wherein a child in its innocence will naturally and unconsciously expect the correct decisions made for him/her a senior adult is of a different mind altogether. This person has a lifetime of self-decision making and many years of opinionated notions of the reasoning and decision making processes of others. After all they did not survive such as long and arduous lifetime letting others make decisions and run their lives for them. This is not going to be as easy as simply dropping Dad off at daycare in the morning and packing Mom's school lunch. Eldercare can be much more complex and difficult. After all Mom and Dad as you know are very independent beings.

Eldercare is providing a senior with assistance. This may be physical, emotional or financial help of some sort. Eldercare might be in some direct form such as help around the house or from a distance with just daily phone calls.

Many Americans are entering their eighties and nineties. It is estimated that by the year 2030 the US will have nearly 50,000 over the age of one hundred! There is a tremendous increase in the growth of our senior population.

At the same time we find that family size has diminished over the last couple of generations. Where once a family had five, six or more children this may no longer is the case. Consequently there are fewer caregivers taking care of a growing population of seniors. Since the year 2000 there are more Elder Americans than there are children! This is a first in the history of human kind. Regardless of what you personally feel toward the elderly - it's a "club" that we will (hopefully) all join sooner or later.

It is therefor imperative that the caregiver, most likely you, become as well prepared for the task as possible. In "old days" one of the siblings just took in Mama or Pops. It was just the thing to do and there was no thinking twice about it.

Our society and culture have changed dramatically in just the last generation or two. Careers have moved us away and demands for time have increased. Nonetheless at some point in your life it has occurred to you that Mom/Dad would get old someday and that someone would have to look after them.

The Older Americans Act of 1965 was enacted to specifically deal with senior issues. There have been numerous amendments passed since then that address a wide variety of topics such as employment, legal services, transportation, social services, meals, health care and elder abuse. There are programs in place. The Administration of Aging (AOA) is the principal federal agency which manages these programs and oversees federal, state and local agencies both public and private (non-profit) that provide these services.

An Area Agency on Aging (AAA) is designated by the state to address needs, concerns, and issues relating to older Americans. Every AAA has an advisory council that oversees and reviews the programs and services in your folk's community. Since the turn of this millenium we as individuals are faced with the constant and ever more hectic challenges of modern life. The task of looking out for our children and ourselves' is becoming more complex in this rapidly changing world. Fortunately we have terrific modern resources and technology with which to get help. Here are the best resources you can start with:

In our society Elder Care is recognized, appreciated and supported. There are countless agencies and organizations that assist the elderly. However, NO ONE can be critically as important in looking after the folks THAN YOU!

Nearly every week there is news and reports about Medicare or Social Security facing severe financial problems. Whether these problems become resolved or deteriorate remains to be seen.

Our society and world have altered. Since September 11 each of us as individuals have assessed our priorities. "What is important to me and my family?" For most of us, family is priority.

USING THIS GUIDE

This guide is intended to point out the general direction to head in. This is not a precise map denoting each particular step of the journey. A guide will show you the general direction over the mountain and lead you through it. Everyone on that journey will go more or less in the same direction and follow pretty much the same path.

But just as each individuals stride and footsteps are different so too is the life course of each particular family. So this guide then will point you in the general direction. Your own journey with your family and the folks will be unique. Just as unique as your family is.

Over time my wish is that this guide is successful in helping those who need who need it and that it will continue to grow and evolve to reflect contemporary issues, problems and answers.

The issues and problems will always be with us, in different ways, in different forms, reflecting everyone's particular circumstances. The answers will come from our abilities, our communications and how well we use our technologies and services. The answers will be us.

John Mitchell
January 2, 2002